Time for a change.I faltered @ 9:10 p.m. on 01-17-03
Well I am done trying to talk to Matt. He doesn't seem to realize that what he did was sick and wrong. So.....I can either believe that he has always been a lying shithead, or I can believe that his deppression is clouding his thinking. I would like to believe that he's not a horrible person, that he just has some severe problems. However, nothing will justify the way he treated me. I know deppression can change people for the worse, but that is when they should choose to get help. It hurts to wonder if every part of our relationship was a lie. It hurts that I took the chance, and gave my heart to someone, only to be hurt once again. It makes me feel like I turn guys into assholes or something. Like I'm something horrible, that taints everyone I get close to. Austin changed after I had L.K., and became emotionally, mentally, and verbally abusive. Matt was emotionally abusive. They both seemed like such normal nice people in the beginning. Whats wrong with me, that seemingly nice guys start treating me so badly? Well I can't handle it anymore. I am going to be alone for a while, so I can work on treating myself better. I'm tired of letting these guys treat me like trash, I don't deserve it. At least that is what I need to work on convincing myself. I am not a bad person, I want to be happy someday. Maybe I will be happier on my own.