What Is Wrong With Me?I faltered @ 11:03 p.m. on 10-07-02
Avi is sick with a fever, I have to bring her to the Health Department tommorrow. I feel deppressed again...for no reason. I have reasons to be happy, but the anxiety is killing me. I am always afraid...I can't seem to let things be normal. That will undoubtably be my undoing. Soon I will probably lose what makes me smile. I have no reason to think this, I guess my insecureties are taking over my brain. Sometimes I wonder if I prefer being deppressed...because it is what come natural to me. I may never be capable of having a normal relationship, without unknowingly doing something to sabotouge(sp?) it. I may never feel safe with where I am in my life. It's like...when there's something to happy about, I have to find a reason to be unhappy. Like right now I am aching to do something to punish myself...like I used to. I haven't done anything wrong, so why do I feel this way? when will this stop?