One year today....and painful thoughts.I faltered @ 9:08 p.m. on 11-27-02
Well I've had this diary a year today. It's weird how some things change, and some will always be the same. Last year I was heartbroken over the destruction of my relationship with Austin. This year I am heartbroken over someone I honestly thought I had chance of making it with. After everything with Austin, I honestly couldn't see myself with anybody else. Now it hurts not to be with Matt. A part of me feels really angry at him. I know that it makes me a horrible person to be mad at someone that is sick with cancer. I just don't understand why he even told me about it. Because now I always wonder how he is doing, if he's okay. Why did he say he loves me, just to leave me? He said he didn't want to drag me down. Well he did. He did because he tells me he has cancer, and that he loves me, then he leaves me. He doesn't want my help, he doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with me. So why? Why did he say those things to me? Why did he allow me to see him cry if he doesn't care? How can you just move on after being apart only 2 weeks? The mixed messages he was giving me makes everything so confusing. I want to move on but I can't. If he had said he had lost interest in me, or liked someone else it would be so much easier... but this? It's killing me. I just want to try to understand where he's coming from in all this, but he seems to want to avoid me. I feel like whats left of my soul is crumbling. I don't ever want to care about anybody like this again. I feel so tired, and kinda want to go to bed. I'm scared to go to sleep, because when I wake up his voice will still be fresh in my mind. I miss him.